Another day in the life of a bipolar supporter...

Well anyone who knows me or has been reading up will understand that My husband has Bipolar disorder. We have been together 7 years married for 3 and since September he has been in one hell of an episode. I am getting tired. He flip flops back and forth a few days ago he told me that he would have left already if he didn't really want to be here then two nights ago he called me while he was at work and when he was getting off the phone he was going to say i love you and what i got instead was I later, and now he says the only reason he hasn't left is the car is in my name and he is afraid I would call the cops over the car(well cause he is not n the right state of mind I might but only cause he is not safe to be taking off like that not because he was taking off hope you can see the difference)...I am tired I will support him till I crumble but my arms are starting to shake from carrying the weight and I am not sure how much more I can take. I wrote the following and was going to post it on his facebook page but decided not too. I am not looking for a fight but for a vent..Just a reminder as you read this we have to come up with $560 by the 8Th for our rent and he is stressing about it when he stresses about money his answer has been lately to say he wants to leave and I am sure at that moment that he wants to leave because it is easier to leave then to do what you are supposed to do. He threw up that my bills are paid... well hmmm rent storage car insurance(for a car that I really do not use that often) and cell phones and I am broke...I told him before we moved here that if he moved with me he had to pay half(other wise I would have found something cheaper) that means $580 a month for the recurring bill that I listed. i have to say that the last few months he has paid the cell phone bill for both of us and that last month he payed $280 towards rent.so that is like almost $400 still not half but then again he only works 24 hours a week at less than $8 an hour but gets tips.. can not depend on them but OK he gets what he gets....How dare you throw in my face that the credit card bills are not payed!! I did not want you to get them because you could not pay them! I did not ever benefit from them but I have made payments on them before.....I have so much shit in charge off status that it isn't even funny!! Our wedding rings were never even paid off!! I am the one who gets a job and keeps it OK it has been a little over a year since I had a job but I am not the only one! I have had no real income for the last 4 months...I did not see you have a problem spending my unemployment when it came in...You certainly got the phone you wanted and I didn't ....you certainly got a birthday present and I didn't and you had Christmas gifts and anniversary gifts and i didn't so what are you freaking about? I am not throwing these things back in his face because I give gifts out of the kindness of my heart but do not sit and say that you did not profit from what I brought in. I have not ever walked away from a good job. I have lost jobs through no fault of my own and maybe it takes me longer to find a job because I look for one i know I can stay at for a while. what ever so far off point now I was going to post this to his page but I decided here was better since the people I refer to are on his facebook... anyway I love my husband please do not doubt that but I am doing a lot and feel like I am getting the crap end of the stick...so here it is:

Why? Why the lies? All I have ever asked for was the truth! How do you say one things and then two days later it is the exact opposite? This is what happens when you skip doses of your meds or you just plain forget to take them! So for again for anyone who says that you are fine and did not needs to be on the meds....let them live a day in my shoes...Do not think that because of what you say in anger or fear or frustration that I will ever turn my back on you.....I am just tired not your fault true but when you act like I do nothing it bothers me...When was the last time you cooked? cleaned? voluntarily took the dogs out with out being asked? Do not get it twisted i am not complaining...but do not get on me about not having a job when you work 24 hours a week and sleep for almost 144..OK I am exaggerating but it is pretty close! You rushed out of the hospital for work and it still hasn't changed the behavior you are right back to where you were when you went in. I love you and you know it and well hell I heard you on the phone the other night yeah we go with "Later" that's what you said I am sooo sure! Maybe you need to deal with your guilt that is building up from what you had done in September. Then maybe you can begin to heal the rest of you. You are the only one who can make you better Michael..maybe you don't want to get any better..Maybe you like the pity people feel for you... I don't know I am not the one dealing with what is in your head..all I know is I AM the one dealing with what comes out of your head...I AM the one who has been dealing with it for over 7 years..I AM the one who keeps getting screwed by it....I AM the one here to pick up all of your pieces and hold onto them so that you loose as little as possible...Do you ever think that maybe I get tired of trying not to loose your pieces? Maybe i have lost some of my own pieces and I need to get them back...I am just venting because the other day you say that if you really wanted to leave you would have already..then today you say you really only haven't left because of the car...well damn which is it? oh I know you didn't take meds last night!! and as soon as you get scared and money gets tight you run just like always. Just like rather than paying rent you took off with the money...None of us are stupid.. You are not a thief but you sure acted like one so get yourself together own up to what you did and move past it! I am already over it! You need to deal with the things you have done. No one else can do that but you. As far as I am concerned the past is the past and from here we go forward where ever that may take us. I am doing for me now. I am in school I am trying to find work. I can not be on my feet for hours on end working at Burger King and I know that you know that. Working Waffle House almost killed me and then working at circle K topped it off...I really feel that if I had not been working like that that things may have ended differently then they did that maybe we would have a birthday to celebrate soon...Maybe I would be able to walk through walmart with out feeling like my heart is ripping out...we should have been celebrating a bunch of firsts over this last year and there is nothing to celebrate because I can not even get that right. something that women do everyday and I can not seem to get it right with you who I have wanted to get it right with for seven years...I am sorry that I am not able to and when I was I screwed it up....I am sorry that i am the one who wants to be there for you and who has always tried to be there for you. I did not see any of your "friends" come and see you in the hospital any of the times that you have been in there...i see me and mom and this time Boo. I only saw three actually wish you well and one came from the UK . I did see a forth but well after you were already out. And now as I have been up for 24 hours and you only made it up for 13 you are snoring and I am crying again. I am so glad that you can sleep after the things you said to me cause i am not sure I will get any sleep any time soon. Why is it that everyone around you can see what you refuse to admit? funny the first e-mail you sent said how much you do and then you go see some person and all of a sudden you lied for the last few years?!?!? and you feel the need to tell me this in an e-mail and copy it to her?? Yeah OK whatever you say....I swore i would stand by you and I am doing that. you need to make sure that you take your meds all the time every time and get regulated on them. You tell me you love me when you are not so busy convincing your self that you don't and your mom and macie have both heard you tell me that you love me...damn suck it up and admit what you feel finally...i will do as I said and wait for the meds to kick in and not rush you but I am getting tired baby can you understand that? If you do not want me then fine you get a divorce you can not stay married and not want me it does not work like that...you can not make plans years in advance and then tell me you do not want to be with me it does not work like that....you can not say we are going to go to times square next year for new years eve and then a few weeks later tell me you would have left already if you thought I wouldn't call the cops over the car...these things do not add up! You can not roll over wrap your arms round me and hold on for dear life not letting me move with out getting tighter or wake up to make sure I am still here and then tel me you do not care when you act like you are afraid of loosing me...it doesn't work that way....i see the way you look at me and so does everyone else that is not something you can fake....I know how it feels to be wrapped in your arms and you cant fake that either..I know what your kiss tells me and you can not fake it. Maybe one of them but all of them? never....so when you get your head wrapped right I will still be here tired and groggy and stressed but here ready willing and wanting nothing and no one but you my husband the man that i love and have loved from day one and will love till the end of time!


I know that there are things that I wanted to say that never make it to these pages..One of them is that I know that there are others out there going through this too. If you happen to come across my blog and read it then drop me a line and say hi! I am at a point where any and all support is greatly appreciated and looked for from other supporters of bipolar loved ones...It is a long hard road and I am glad that I am strong enough to weather it! Now i vented i can go lay down after the longest 24 hours in long time and maybe get a few hours of sleep!

another day another night

So I am sitting here bored out of my mind. It is the last night of my winter break from school and I can not wait to get back into it tomorrow. I have been academically and financially approved to continue to my next block of classes.I have maintained an A average in both classes and now I just need to keep it for the next two weeks.....It would be the first real A's I have ever earned and yes while I am going to school at home online I do still have to earn my grades and it is not always easy. I am learning that I have to have a lot more discipline then I ever thought I even had. I am totally responsible for me when it comes to my classes there is no one over my shoulder saying remember this is due next week or there are only two weeks left till your final projects are due. I have to do this all this on my own and it is great to know that I am doing it and doing it well!! I am still dealing with my husband's bipolar and as I am sitting here typing this he has fallen asleep again he has been asleep since before 10 this morning. it is nothing new for him to sleep for the better portion of the day. he wakes up to go to work and goes to sleep mist of the time as soon as he gets back. I woke him up for dinner early because he was going to take my daughter her stuff before work tonight but said we will just take it tomorrow. It sucks that they are still just treating his mania and doing nothing for the depression. But I will say for some one who is fine he is still soooo way off base!! On a good thing he has decided to make plans for next New Years Eve and has decided that we should go to times Square in NYC and watch the ball drop. So we shall see where it ends up!! Off to get somethings done and make sure he gets up again in time to shower for work since he didn't bother to shower last night or this morning but Mr I shower before and after work is fine right???? oh well talk to you all soon!!

Just another day

OK yesterday was my birthday well I guess now it was 2 days ago. My husband promised to take me out to dinner. Well lovely bipolar means promises do not get kept like they should so we did not go to dinner. Things have been rough the last few weeks. He still claims he doesn't love me but he acts like he does. He will reach for me in his sleep. ( little bit here he has been working nights and sleep during the day so I try to lay and watch TV or sit quietly on the computer when hes sleeping) While he is asleep he will reach for me like he is afraid I am not there. The other day he reached for me while I was in the bathroom and he freaked cause he could not find me. The counselor has cut him back to every other week with his visits and we all think this is a little premature. Since he has been working again he has been doing almost nothing but working and sleeping. I mean the first week he had three days off and out of the first 36 hours he slept 31. He actually slept almost the full three days save for going to the bathroom or eating. Now it has been a few weeks and he is still sleeping all the time. I needed to go to the store last week and I am still having problems with my knee and was not able to drive myself. I had to wait until it was almost too late to go to the store because he was still asleep. Tonight he did take me to dinner but at what price to him I wonder. He went to sleep around noon and told me to wake him at 7pm so he could shower and we could go. Well i woke him at 7 and he said 7:30 he would just shower when we got back. When we got back he did not shower he went to sleep for 45 minutes and then to work. I worry about him so much partly because he has mixed episode meaning he is manic and depressive at the same time and they are only treating the mania at this point. This episode feels like it is taking forever to come out of but then I remember that it has only been three months and that the ones in the past have taken at least three months to even show any signs of getting better. After his appointment this morning he seemed to be in a better mood. I was sitting here at the computer earlier and he rolled over in his sleep and put his hand on me. He opened his eyes and I said everything OK and he said yeah i just wanted to make sure you were here. I said I am not going anywhere and he said good I like you here...then went back to sleep. He will not remember it. He has been having waking memory issues as well and I know that it is the bipolar and that worries me too. I worry about him so much. I did join a bipolar supporter support group. Boy is that a mouthful. I can talk to my friends and family about what is going on and they say they understand but in reality there is no way that they can even begin to understand. His mother most likely comes the closest to understanding but i think it is a lot different being a supporter of son with bipolar than a supporter of a husband with bipolar. I know that she has been through a lot with him and that she is one of my biggest fans. I know she sees more than she says and that she always wants whats best for us. I guess i just have a hard time believing right now that this too shall pass. I am in a funk of my own and that is not helping anything. I have been told that my husband needs to keep a diary or journal and he did start a blog however he has not written in it since he started it. I told him that by blogging about his bipolar and how it affects him he may be helping some one else who has bipolar and who knows how much help that could be to some one. Maybe there is some one out there right now who is contemplating suicide and they read his blog about how when he was suicidal he got help and how he knew afterward that it was the best thing he could have done to get help? Maybe his story could help some one else. Well I guess that is all I have for now but I do apologize that i have not been keeping up if you are following me that is. We moved out of his moms house and into a hotel for now. Anyway more soon I promise!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

OK total frustration time!! I am still looking for both a job and a place to live!! Right now rather than sitting here typing I should be on my way to see my daughter....instead my husband is still asleep! I am still not supposed to drive but am about to get up and take the keys and go. I am very frustrated because at 8am I told him we needed to leave and he went back to sleep. This is not fair when it is something for him he jumps and does yet when it is for anybody else he doesn't do it. How can you tell me that she is most important and then when shes having a bad day and wants me there ignore it??? I am just venting and glad that I have this way to do it!! On a good note they changed his meds again so things that were already getting better should be getting a lot better. Still need to call his doctor though......

here we go again!!

OK it is almost 1:30 in the morning and I cant sleep. My husband and I have been doing very well the past few weeks or so I thought. This is the first night apart in about a month and tonight he tells me he thought I knew by now that he doesn't love me. Today we were making plans to celebrate our anniversary that is coming up. I have never heard of two people celebrating together an anniversary of a relationship that one of them does not want. I mean really he brought it up not me!! I am so confused again! I am trying so very patiently to wait for his meds to be regulated and he is still telling me in his sleep how he loves me wants me there and how he can not understand how I can still love him after what he has done. Well I was talking to my sister earlier after he tells me he doesn't want to be with anyone at all not me or anyone else and he needs to do for him and she said to me he cant understand why you would still want to be with him after what he has done?? She then said you love him and no one is perfect which made perfect sense to me but I don't think he can realize yet that I am able to forgive him because he has something wrong with him. His intentions were never to hurt me. I am still dealing with what he has done and that is not an easy task. I started school Monday and he is very supportive and keeps making sure I have my school work done. A couple weeks ago he said we need to get a place together. Then the other day he had a session with his counselor ( he has them weekly and this was after this weeks appointment) he says that she asked him what was going on with us and he says that he told her we talked about it and because neither one of us can afford it that we are looking for a place together. Well let me tell you that this is not what he has told me at all. I am so besides myself. I just want my husband back!! I miss him sooo much and it is killing me that he is being like this. I know it is not his fault but man I am tired of having to put up a good front and act like nothing is wrong to get slapped in the face again is terrible!! I fell asleep last night wrapped in his arms.. I didn't have much of a choice he rolled over put his arms around me and when I even tried to adjust my position he wrapped his arms tighter. A few nights before that he fell asleep on the couch. I put the air mattress up that we have been sleeping on in his parents house and tried to wake him up. He didn't wake up. So I laid down and had my hand touching his arm. I went to move my hand and he grabbed a hold of my wrist and just held on to it for about an hour. He said he got up to use the bthroom and I was sprawled across the bed so he figured I didn't want him next to me (this couldn't be farter from the truth I sleep best with him next to me) and went back to sleep on the couch. This is not something that some one who doesn't want to be with you does. These are the actions of some one who is subconsciously afraid of loosing you. The other night we were laying there trying to fall asleep and his mom was on the computer and we all were cracking up and being silly just like everything was OK. I miss doing that with him on a regular basis. I am still so in love with him I just cant imagine life with out him fully in it.
I am a psychology major and even though I just started my classes I have taken psychology courses before. I know how the subconscious and conscious minds work. I know what he is telling himself when he is awake and what he says when he is asleep or almost asleep. I wonder to myself if part of this is because he may realize a little what he has done to me and his guilt is making him feel this way. I also think it is kind of funny that he has not really talked to any of the people he was talking to before when he decided to leave Florida and then tonight he talked to this girl Dawn that he has/had a thing for and then he tells me that stuff about how he thought I was getting the point that he doesn't love me any more and all of the other stuff. How convenient that he talks to her and then tells me that. I have to call him in a few hours to make sure that he gets up and he is supposed to come here to my moms and get me but now I have to worry that he wont show up and I have to go look at a place for US and I don't even know if there is going to be an us for this place. I am sooo confused I wish I had some one to talk to who has been there. I wish there was some kind of support group for me.. there are tons for him but very little if anything for me...
One of the things I have been thinking about a lot is how I feel so alone with everything going on. I know I can talk to his mom but she doesn't always really hear what I am saying. Or she hears it but doesn't really get what I am saying or cant because it is her son. Don't get me wrong I love my in-laws and they are great to all of us! I have never felt that they are taking sides and if I did feel that way I have felt that they are taking my side. My mother in law god bless her says that she can see that he is still in love with me even if he cant. I kind of wonder how when everyone else can see it he cant. I often wonder if it is wishful thinking on my part on how he really feels. I guess there is no way to know for sure but to let time take it's course and see what happens....

realestate

I have been thinking about buying a house. I know wow is my thought too but I have been doing my homework. I know that I can not in anyway shape or form buy a house right now but in doing my home work I ran across this company Haymaker/Bean Commercial Real Estate. They are a full service commercial real estate service they do it all and I know some of you are looking for commercial property and wow I was amazed buy all that they do!!
As a lot of you know my husband and I own a mobile mechanic business and we have been looking for a place to live. His grandparents from is biological father live in Kentucky and I decided to look in that area and it seems like we would need to have a shop in order to have a mobile mechanic business there. His grandparents health is failing and neither one of them have a long time left so I was looking in their area. I found the Haymaker/Bean commercial real estate and started looking for Commercial real estate Lexington and was just so amazed. I don't know if we will move there or not it was definitely worth the look!! They seem to do everything and that is the kind of place that I would want to deal with. I would want some one experienced and they have over 20 years experience. I want some one who can tell me if it is better to buy or rent for a business and since they handle both I am sure they could lead us in the right direction. Basically I just liked the ease this company made it feel like ti would be to work with them!

looking for car repairs

After I got my brakes fixed I was thinking that many people have no idea where to even start to look for a good mechanic or how to find out how much the repairs should cost. I was looking around the web again and found this site. I found it first as Chicago auto repair It is really good about both! Not only do they show you what it should cost for your area but even recommends mechanics to you. You can in put your car year make and model like say you have a 2001 Toyota Corolla and other info and what you need done and it can estimate the work for you.
I say estimate because there are many things that can go into a lot of different things. Just because your need thermostat changed doesn't mean that your hoses are good or you could still need a water pump to fix an over heating problem or you could have a worse problem that the estimator wont catch and requires a mechanic to look at the car and diagnose it. I think that the estimator is pretty accurate though taking into consideration the area you are in and the type of vehicle and the repairs you need. I even put in what work is needed on a car we were just given and it gave me an estimate of what it would cost to fix it properly. I can say that if it was more to fix the car then it was worth I would have made $200 by scraping it!!
I would definitely take some time and go to this site before you go to get your car fixed! I know that if I am in need of a shop to do repairs that I can not do myself or my husband can not do I am going to check them out myself!