Another day in the life of a bipolar supporter...

Well anyone who knows me or has been reading up will understand that My husband has Bipolar disorder. We have been together 7 years married for 3 and since September he has been in one hell of an episode. I am getting tired. He flip flops back and forth a few days ago he told me that he would have left already if he didn't really want to be here then two nights ago he called me while he was at work and when he was getting off the phone he was going to say i love you and what i got instead was I later, and now he says the only reason he hasn't left is the car is in my name and he is afraid I would call the cops over the car(well cause he is not n the right state of mind I might but only cause he is not safe to be taking off like that not because he was taking off hope you can see the difference)...I am tired I will support him till I crumble but my arms are starting to shake from carrying the weight and I am not sure how much more I can take. I wrote the following and was going to post it on his facebook page but decided not too. I am not looking for a fight but for a vent..Just a reminder as you read this we have to come up with $560 by the 8Th for our rent and he is stressing about it when he stresses about money his answer has been lately to say he wants to leave and I am sure at that moment that he wants to leave because it is easier to leave then to do what you are supposed to do. He threw up that my bills are paid... well hmmm rent storage car insurance(for a car that I really do not use that often) and cell phones and I am broke...I told him before we moved here that if he moved with me he had to pay half(other wise I would have found something cheaper) that means $580 a month for the recurring bill that I listed. i have to say that the last few months he has paid the cell phone bill for both of us and that last month he payed $280 towards rent.so that is like almost $400 still not half but then again he only works 24 hours a week at less than $8 an hour but gets tips.. can not depend on them but OK he gets what he gets....How dare you throw in my face that the credit card bills are not payed!! I did not want you to get them because you could not pay them! I did not ever benefit from them but I have made payments on them before.....I have so much shit in charge off status that it isn't even funny!! Our wedding rings were never even paid off!! I am the one who gets a job and keeps it OK it has been a little over a year since I had a job but I am not the only one! I have had no real income for the last 4 months...I did not see you have a problem spending my unemployment when it came in...You certainly got the phone you wanted and I didn't ....you certainly got a birthday present and I didn't and you had Christmas gifts and anniversary gifts and i didn't so what are you freaking about? I am not throwing these things back in his face because I give gifts out of the kindness of my heart but do not sit and say that you did not profit from what I brought in. I have not ever walked away from a good job. I have lost jobs through no fault of my own and maybe it takes me longer to find a job because I look for one i know I can stay at for a while. what ever so far off point now I was going to post this to his page but I decided here was better since the people I refer to are on his facebook... anyway I love my husband please do not doubt that but I am doing a lot and feel like I am getting the crap end of the stick...so here it is:

Why? Why the lies? All I have ever asked for was the truth! How do you say one things and then two days later it is the exact opposite? This is what happens when you skip doses of your meds or you just plain forget to take them! So for again for anyone who says that you are fine and did not needs to be on the meds....let them live a day in my shoes...Do not think that because of what you say in anger or fear or frustration that I will ever turn my back on you.....I am just tired not your fault true but when you act like I do nothing it bothers me...When was the last time you cooked? cleaned? voluntarily took the dogs out with out being asked? Do not get it twisted i am not complaining...but do not get on me about not having a job when you work 24 hours a week and sleep for almost 144..OK I am exaggerating but it is pretty close! You rushed out of the hospital for work and it still hasn't changed the behavior you are right back to where you were when you went in. I love you and you know it and well hell I heard you on the phone the other night yeah we go with "Later" that's what you said I am sooo sure! Maybe you need to deal with your guilt that is building up from what you had done in September. Then maybe you can begin to heal the rest of you. You are the only one who can make you better Michael..maybe you don't want to get any better..Maybe you like the pity people feel for you... I don't know I am not the one dealing with what is in your head..all I know is I AM the one dealing with what comes out of your head...I AM the one who has been dealing with it for over 7 years..I AM the one who keeps getting screwed by it....I AM the one here to pick up all of your pieces and hold onto them so that you loose as little as possible...Do you ever think that maybe I get tired of trying not to loose your pieces? Maybe i have lost some of my own pieces and I need to get them back...I am just venting because the other day you say that if you really wanted to leave you would have already..then today you say you really only haven't left because of the car...well damn which is it? oh I know you didn't take meds last night!! and as soon as you get scared and money gets tight you run just like always. Just like rather than paying rent you took off with the money...None of us are stupid.. You are not a thief but you sure acted like one so get yourself together own up to what you did and move past it! I am already over it! You need to deal with the things you have done. No one else can do that but you. As far as I am concerned the past is the past and from here we go forward where ever that may take us. I am doing for me now. I am in school I am trying to find work. I can not be on my feet for hours on end working at Burger King and I know that you know that. Working Waffle House almost killed me and then working at circle K topped it off...I really feel that if I had not been working like that that things may have ended differently then they did that maybe we would have a birthday to celebrate soon...Maybe I would be able to walk through walmart with out feeling like my heart is ripping out...we should have been celebrating a bunch of firsts over this last year and there is nothing to celebrate because I can not even get that right. something that women do everyday and I can not seem to get it right with you who I have wanted to get it right with for seven years...I am sorry that I am not able to and when I was I screwed it up....I am sorry that i am the one who wants to be there for you and who has always tried to be there for you. I did not see any of your "friends" come and see you in the hospital any of the times that you have been in there...i see me and mom and this time Boo. I only saw three actually wish you well and one came from the UK . I did see a forth but well after you were already out. And now as I have been up for 24 hours and you only made it up for 13 you are snoring and I am crying again. I am so glad that you can sleep after the things you said to me cause i am not sure I will get any sleep any time soon. Why is it that everyone around you can see what you refuse to admit? funny the first e-mail you sent said how much you do and then you go see some person and all of a sudden you lied for the last few years?!?!? and you feel the need to tell me this in an e-mail and copy it to her?? Yeah OK whatever you say....I swore i would stand by you and I am doing that. you need to make sure that you take your meds all the time every time and get regulated on them. You tell me you love me when you are not so busy convincing your self that you don't and your mom and macie have both heard you tell me that you love me...damn suck it up and admit what you feel finally...i will do as I said and wait for the meds to kick in and not rush you but I am getting tired baby can you understand that? If you do not want me then fine you get a divorce you can not stay married and not want me it does not work like that...you can not make plans years in advance and then tell me you do not want to be with me it does not work like that....you can not say we are going to go to times square next year for new years eve and then a few weeks later tell me you would have left already if you thought I wouldn't call the cops over the car...these things do not add up! You can not roll over wrap your arms round me and hold on for dear life not letting me move with out getting tighter or wake up to make sure I am still here and then tel me you do not care when you act like you are afraid of loosing me...it doesn't work that way....i see the way you look at me and so does everyone else that is not something you can fake....I know how it feels to be wrapped in your arms and you cant fake that either..I know what your kiss tells me and you can not fake it. Maybe one of them but all of them? never....so when you get your head wrapped right I will still be here tired and groggy and stressed but here ready willing and wanting nothing and no one but you my husband the man that i love and have loved from day one and will love till the end of time!


I know that there are things that I wanted to say that never make it to these pages..One of them is that I know that there are others out there going through this too. If you happen to come across my blog and read it then drop me a line and say hi! I am at a point where any and all support is greatly appreciated and looked for from other supporters of bipolar loved ones...It is a long hard road and I am glad that I am strong enough to weather it! Now i vented i can go lay down after the longest 24 hours in long time and maybe get a few hours of sleep!

another day another night

So I am sitting here bored out of my mind. It is the last night of my winter break from school and I can not wait to get back into it tomorrow. I have been academically and financially approved to continue to my next block of classes.I have maintained an A average in both classes and now I just need to keep it for the next two weeks.....It would be the first real A's I have ever earned and yes while I am going to school at home online I do still have to earn my grades and it is not always easy. I am learning that I have to have a lot more discipline then I ever thought I even had. I am totally responsible for me when it comes to my classes there is no one over my shoulder saying remember this is due next week or there are only two weeks left till your final projects are due. I have to do this all this on my own and it is great to know that I am doing it and doing it well!! I am still dealing with my husband's bipolar and as I am sitting here typing this he has fallen asleep again he has been asleep since before 10 this morning. it is nothing new for him to sleep for the better portion of the day. he wakes up to go to work and goes to sleep mist of the time as soon as he gets back. I woke him up for dinner early because he was going to take my daughter her stuff before work tonight but said we will just take it tomorrow. It sucks that they are still just treating his mania and doing nothing for the depression. But I will say for some one who is fine he is still soooo way off base!! On a good thing he has decided to make plans for next New Years Eve and has decided that we should go to times Square in NYC and watch the ball drop. So we shall see where it ends up!! Off to get somethings done and make sure he gets up again in time to shower for work since he didn't bother to shower last night or this morning but Mr I shower before and after work is fine right???? oh well talk to you all soon!!