OK it is almost 1:30 in the morning and I cant sleep. My husband and I have been doing very well the past few weeks or so I thought. This is the first night apart in about a month and tonight he tells me he thought I knew by now that he doesn't love me. Today we were making plans to celebrate our anniversary that is coming up. I have never heard of two people celebrating together an anniversary of a relationship that one of them does not want. I mean really he brought it up not me!! I am so confused again! I am trying so very patiently to wait for his meds to be regulated and he is still telling me in his sleep how he loves me wants me there and how he can not understand how I can still love him after what he has done. Well I was talking to my sister earlier after he tells me he doesn't want to be with anyone at all not me or anyone else and he needs to do for him and she said to me he cant understand why you would still want to be with him after what he has done?? She then said you love him and no one is perfect which made perfect sense to me but I don't think he can realize yet that I am able to forgive him because he has something wrong with him. His intentions were never to hurt me. I am still dealing with what he has done and that is not an easy task. I started school Monday and he is very supportive and keeps making sure I have my school work done. A couple weeks ago he said we need to get a place together. Then the other day he had a session with his counselor ( he has them weekly and this was after this weeks appointment) he says that she asked him what was going on with us and he says that he told her we talked about it and because neither one of us can afford it that we are looking for a place together. Well let me tell you that this is not what he has told me at all. I am so besides myself. I just want my husband back!! I miss him sooo much and it is killing me that he is being like this. I know it is not his fault but man I am tired of having to put up a good front and act like nothing is wrong to get slapped in the face again is terrible!! I fell asleep last night wrapped in his arms.. I didn't have much of a choice he rolled over put his arms around me and when I even tried to adjust my position he wrapped his arms tighter. A few nights before that he fell asleep on the couch. I put the air mattress up that we have been sleeping on in his parents house and tried to wake him up. He didn't wake up. So I laid down and had my hand touching his arm. I went to move my hand and he grabbed a hold of my wrist and just held on to it for about an hour. He said he got up to use the bthroom and I was sprawled across the bed so he figured I didn't want him next to me (this couldn't be farter from the truth I sleep best with him next to me) and went back to sleep on the couch. This is not something that some one who doesn't want to be with you does. These are the actions of some one who is subconsciously afraid of loosing you. The other night we were laying there trying to fall asleep and his mom was on the computer and we all were cracking up and being silly just like everything was OK. I miss doing that with him on a regular basis. I am still so in love with him I just cant imagine life with out him fully in it.
I am a psychology major and even though I just started my classes I have taken psychology courses before. I know how the subconscious and conscious minds work. I know what he is telling himself when he is awake and what he says when he is asleep or almost asleep. I wonder to myself if part of this is because he may realize a little what he has done to me and his guilt is making him feel this way. I also think it is kind of funny that he has not really talked to any of the people he was talking to before when he decided to leave Florida and then tonight he talked to this girl Dawn that he has/had a thing for and then he tells me that stuff about how he thought I was getting the point that he doesn't love me any more and all of the other stuff. How convenient that he talks to her and then tells me that. I have to call him in a few hours to make sure that he gets up and he is supposed to come here to my moms and get me but now I have to worry that he wont show up and I have to go look at a place for US and I don't even know if there is going to be an us for this place. I am sooo confused I wish I had some one to talk to who has been there. I wish there was some kind of support group for me.. there are tons for him but very little if anything for me...
One of the things I have been thinking about a lot is how I feel so alone with everything going on. I know I can talk to his mom but she doesn't always really hear what I am saying. Or she hears it but doesn't really get what I am saying or cant because it is her son. Don't get me wrong I love my in-laws and they are great to all of us! I have never felt that they are taking sides and if I did feel that way I have felt that they are taking my side. My mother in law god bless her says that she can see that he is still in love with me even if he cant. I kind of wonder how when everyone else can see it he cant. I often wonder if it is wishful thinking on my part on how he really feels. I guess there is no way to know for sure but to let time take it's course and see what happens....
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