I am completely beside myself once again. i feel like I am the only one in the world right no. Am I going crazy or just plain loosing my mind? I feel alone when I am not and like I am all but transparent. I sat in the same room with him for three hours tonight and yet i cant recall a conversation. I am exhausted but cant sleep no matter how hard I try. I ran a bout of nausea for like 6 days from 11'ish at night till 4 am'ish. the last two days the nausea has not been at night and has been very mild. Everyone seems to think I am pregnant because of the nausea but there are many other things that can cause that. Tonight is one of those nights where I could really use a friend and there is no one around. Well it is almost 2am now so what else could I expect right now? i am actually writing in reverse of the way I did this blog. i wrote it out and came back to the beginning and started adding here because i am not really sure I am going to post this. I am not sure this is the right place to vent but then again what options do I have? I can talk to a friend but they wont understand unless they live it. I can talk t my parents but because I am hurt they are biased. I have a few people I can turn to but they really just don't get it. Yes if you have followed me you know what I am referring to. The Bipolar beast reared its ugly head again the other night. He said things to intentionally hurt me this time. He knows exactly what what to say to hit below the belt and make me want to give up. here is a little bit of what has been going on: The old pattern of looking up old friends and even older girlfriends strikes again. He can't see it but I am sure it is not coincidence. Two weeks ago you are talking about buying a more stable place for us to live and now you don't want me again. I am very tired. I am not feeling well and well it all happens at the same time. What else is new? I don't know what to do. I am sure he is not telling his counselor or meds manager the whole truth just what he wants them to know. I am very torn. We all see the depression but he doesn't, so he doesn't tell the meds lady. He has mixed state episodes (mania and depression) and they are only treating with a med for the mania. As a matter of fact the med they are using for the mania is supposed to be used with an antidepressant. The worst part of this whole situation is that he has been saying for the last two years that when he left four years ago and told me he didn't love me that that was the truth now he says no it was the bipolar but this time it isn't. I know his feelings are valid and I am sure he feels that way but last week the man who showers daily went a week with out showering! That is a big tip off to his depression. He has attached himself to a girl he used to know in high school just like he did to a woman named Helen in Florida. Two years ago he reconnected with Andrea and well we now what happened there... I and those who actually know and care about him see the change over the last week or so. I have tried very hard to tell him that I understand that it is how he feels but also that I know he is not in the right state of mind to make a life changing decision. Leaving your wife is a life changing decision. I know that if he really leaves this time I am done. He has said many times he doesn't want a divorce he just doesn't want to be with me. Well it can not be both ways. If you go we get divorced and there is no coming back this time. I am pretty resigned to the fact that he will go as soon as he has the chance. But if it took him almost 4 years to admit what everyone else knew was happening at that time what happens in a few years when he decides he was in an episode? I know he has not been properly medicated for over four years. He still isn't. I worry for his safety because I have seen him like this before. Last time he ended up in the hospital and not of his own accord. I wish he could get his head straight. I can not keep waiting for him if he leaves. When he goes hes gone. He says he wants to stay friends well that would remain to be seen. I cannot keep my life on hold if he leaves. I am not sure what exactly that means other than I will not sit around and wait for him again. I know he is sick but if he cant or wont see it than I cannot keep doing for him. I almost feel like I suffer more from his bipolar than he does. I am the one who has to be the adult all the time. He has these breakdowns and it leaves everything to me. I am so worried about him. I think I always will no matter what. I love this man with my whole heart. I would go the ends of the earth for him and back. I would do almost anything for him. I just don't know how much more I can take before I loose me to his disorder...
I really hope that he gets what he needs to be whole again because I have really been missing my husband the last two years and well even longer than that but real bad the last two years, even though things have been really good since November he has not been himself.I just really miss him and it is hard when you see the person you love deteriorating right before your eyes.
I know you wont read this but I love you and I am sorry that you feel the way you do but it is time to do something about it. Maybe not what you think but something. I told you i will not give up on you and that is the truth. I cannot give up on love but I can give up on insanity!
Ok as a fellow sufferer I can see all of this from a different point of view, but I do think you're suffering as much. Your life is in limbo, because he can't decide which way to look when crossing the street (Mike I know this feeling I'm not putting you down I couldn't pick out yarn the other day and often think my family better off without me). He probably often feels useless which makes life harder on the both of you as well whether he'll say it or not. I believe there are times you have to let go if someone refuses to seek help and by that I know he sees the counselors but if he's telling them what they want to hear or only what he believes then it's not going to help...I always let Chris go with me because I knew he had a different perspective on the situation than I did, we didn't always agree and I got angry, bitchy and mad but it helped! If you don't already do that maybe you should...it also helps to talk everything out in a setting like that too even the marital problems ya know? We did that as well that's how we're still together. Are there some days I wish we weren't? Sure. But we've also become friends. And from what I've heard and seen of him I know he CAN be a sweetie but he really needs to check himself about the things he says...
ReplyDeleteChris is always on me about a tone I use or if I curse when speaking to him, he says "can't you be nicer?" and I'm like listen it's the bipolar peeking out, deal! You know I'm not on meds you don't even want me on meds soooo freaking deal...ok so not about me.
Oh and if it's 2 am give me a freaking call if I hear the phone I'll answer if not you obviously didn't wake me as a bomb could go off next to me! So please call instead of being all alone or I'm going to come over there and wash damn dishes with you...it's self punishment!!! Ilove you very much