holidays already??

I love the holiday season! I really do! I love being with friends and family and the caring and sharing that goes on. I wish all the time could be holiday time! NO wait I do not wish that. As much as I love the holidays I do not want them all the time. The work it takes to get everything ready the time the aggravation the pain and sweating and the mix of emotions and attitudes? I wouldn't take it on a permanent basis for all the money in the world! I love the time together but the work well I could live with out that. My daughters birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year so double duty on that day. I don't really mind but I feel bad for her since it is her birthday. I feel like when she has thanksgiving on her birthday or her birthday on thanksgiving she gets cheated out of her special day. I almost wish she would have been born on time and and not taken early. It is what it is and we deal. I m really actually dreading the holidays this year. It is an end for me this year and I am not ready for that yet but that is a whole other story i don't want to get into. I just wonder how to get through with a smile on my face and have a god time knowing that my world maybe turned upside down shortly there after. I also have this horrible diet I have to follow that allows me to eat very little. No raw veggies or fruits no nuts or seeds no whole grain or while wheat, no corn at all and no broccoli or cauliflower unless it is pureed. No salads no nothing unless it is really soft. I cant even have crackers unless I soak them in something like coffee or tea or soup. I cant eat beans or peas (don't eat peas anyway) or fruit that has been cooked with the skin on it. Can not even have cheese unless it is melted in whatever I am eating. I am so tired f having to eat only the easy to digest low residue soft foods I want to scream!! I am loosing weight at a time when most are gaining it so I am happy about that except that the doctor does not want me to loose weight right now because that is a sign that I am as he said not getting enough variety of foods. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? I cant eat very many things so how am I to have a variety of them? Ugh so frustrating! Anyway what are you happy about this time of year?

ties Ties TIES!

     I love the holiday season! It gives parents like me  chance to dress our kids and wives like me a chance to polish our husbands up and take a few minutes to dress ourselves up and maybe get a photo or two or a million taken. I love having a daughter don't get me wrong but I really would love to have a son! I only say that because I love little boys clothes.I love how you can take a pair of pants a shirt a vest and a tie to make them look so spiffy. Little boys ties complete the whole look! I think that when you take a little boy and dress him up with shirt and tie that you all of  a sudden have  little man.
     I have seen school pictures and holiday pictures of little boys with and without ties. I always think that the little boys with ties make the pictures so much cuter. Little boys ties are just like icing on a cake it is good with out it but so much sweeter with it!
     Boys who wear ties when dressed up also give off a different impression. Think about the last function you were at. It could have been a wedding a christening even a funeral. Now think about the boys who were there. Can you picture the boys with out ties? What about the ones with ties on? I know that the ones who wore boys who wore ties stick out in my mind. I really like when boys have on a black shirt and a bright colorful tie. I can remember at my first wedding the boys in ties definitely made an impression. Boys ties just seem to pull the whole look together and are an accessory that should not be skipped.
     I love having a daughter but for girls it is pretty simple frills lacy dresses tights or bloomers and shoes. For boys when you add a tie to jeans and a button down shirt you can go from casual to "dressed" in a second. Boys ties just pull it all together and give you so much versatility that they can make dressing a little boy fun!

oh really? smack right upside my head

So why would I think anything in my life could be ok? I did I ever think that when people said things and made promises and vows together that I was not the only one making them? Because I am an IDIOT thats why!! Why can I not learn the lesson the first time and keep making horrible mistakes that destroy myself every time? I set myself up each time and then look around and wonder where did that come from?? You would think that I would have learned from the first time that no one means what they say anymore. I promised forever twice now and it hasnt happened. Life fuking blows and I dont want to start over again I have more luck at filing than I have ever had at reaching my goals and life would be som uch better for everyone else if I just disappeared, went away an dno one had to bother about me any more. My kid cant stand me most of the time and my husband seems to think that I am something he can just throw away or use to his benefit. Well I dont get along well with most other people and from what I have seen or heard from my "friends" lately they dont give  crap either. What is anchoring me here? Not a damn thing. I am of no real use to anyone. Maybe i should have become septic and died while in the hospital. It would have made life so much easier for every one. I hate feeeling like this and it is not how I want to keep going. I do not want to run away but I need  clean start. Unfortunately no matter where I go I can not escape myself. I cant run from the voices in my head telling me how aweful I am tht I have failed yet again not just myself but him and my daughter and my parents and everyone. I feel like a piece of garbage because I let some one in again and as always I get screwed and there is no reason just that it is. BULLSHIT!! I dont and wont believe that. I know actions speak louder than words but words hurt much more and how well the real past can be twisted and rearranged to fit their purposes. Maybe I should have stayed a little longer with the first one then I would not be here to feel this pain now. But then again the current pain can never outweight the past good!

Just an update on me!!

     Well I am still in the hospital and it is now Friday. I had the ultrasound done yesterday and it was unsuccessful. The tech tried everything to visualize the mass but it just said ha ha ha I am not going to let you see me and then it hid. Now all of a sudden my surgeon is not worried about finding out what the mass is. It went from You can not leave this hospital until we know what it is to we will just deal with it later. I do not know why this bothers me so much. I mean I want to go home right? I certainly do NOT want to stay here so why am I so worried about going home with out knowing? My infectious disease doctor came to see me later on last night. She wants me here until we know for sure what the mass is. My mom feels the same way. The infectious disease doctor (ID) asked me My opinion on the subject. I said well if I need to be here I need to be here. My fear is that if I go home too soon that there could be either rupture of the abscess or of the mass. This could be a very serious situation. I am a little scared to be honest. This is probably the most serious medical condition I have ever had. I have been doing some research while stuck here in the hospital and the things I have found out! Some have calmed me down and then the other side has really freaked me out! Back to the mass. I am worried because I have always has "problems" with my period. The only time in my life that it was regular was for the 3 months before I conceived my daughter. I went to multiple doctors to try to get it corrected. Two doctors told me I had PCOS  and then I had an ultrasound done and found that I do not have polycyctic ovaries. You  CAN NOT HAVE POLY CYSTIC OVARIAN SYNDROME WITH OUT HAVING POLY CYSTIC OVARIES!!  Common sense right? so the one doctor turned to me and said well it is the only thing that fits. Uhm no it isn't. I had been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist and she felt I had Cushing Disease or Cushings Syndrome. Well no one ever went and tried to find the tumors that would be secreting cortisol into my body so that went to hell. anyway I did have a point. Ah yes my point was that I have never had a normal reproductive history. The surgeon knows this and still says worry about it later grrr now to top it all off my normal pulse rate of apex 110 just dropped to 50???? OK I am not light headed, nauseous or anything like that. My BP was 121/60 that's great but uhm to have the pulse rate drop in half on the day i was supposed to be discharged?? WOW! Just one more this to stress about I guess. well this is where I stand right now NOWHERE CLOSER to an answer than I was a week ago!! frustrating yes nerve wracking yes worth getting this upset about probably not. I will have to have a the bowel resection done in a few months that is all I know but I am really tired all of a sudden and i am going to lie down for a bit.

Can I ever catch a break?!?!

I had very good intentions of keeping up with my blog. Just like all things lately in my life that fell apart too.No No No not like that. Things are still OK with Mike and my daughter is doing alright for now. She had a traumatic experience about 3 weeks ago and she is actually dealing much better than I had expected or could have even hoped she would! She is a great kid and a trooper as well. I firmly believe that child could do anything that she wanted to as long as she tries! Been taking care of Dave's arm and he is healing very nicely. I try to do range of motion with him daily and if he cant handle that then every other day. I do some resistance work with him and he doesn't even realize it. i guess that is good that he doesn't realize how hard he is working but he does see some of the benefits of his work. He can curl his arm some. Like if you hold your arm out in front of you and bring your hand towards your shoulder. I try to get him to work on touching each finger to his thumb but he gets very frustrated with his current lack of ability to accomplish this. I will have to make him work harder. And that right there leads me up to where I am now. In the hospital. Apparently I have diverticulitis. This is a disorder that causes little balloon like pockets in the lower bowel. These pockets can become inflamed and rupture causing a perforated bowel and spilling the contents of the lower intestines into the abdominal cavity. SO as nasty and gross as that sounds it is true. the bowel opened up and allowed fecal matter into my abdominal cavity. My body did exactly what it was supposed to and tried to fight the invading "crap". My body formed a wall and completely encapsulated the little invaders. Only problem there was that my body was not quite strong enough to  kill of the matter it encapsulated so it formed an abscess. a 6 centimeter abscess and massive amounts of pain to go along with it. I am not talking about little pain that seems huge it was huge all encompassing drop me to my knees tears running down my face type pain. So Mike made me come to the ER. I figured worse case scenario it was a sever bladder infection and they would give me some antibiotics and then be done. NOOOO not me I am actually OK though. I mean yes I have a lot and I do mean  a lot of pain and this condition can be very very serious I am  not that bad off. I could have become septic and been much worse off. The  surgeon is doing everything in his power to avoid sending me home with a colostomy bag. So they did a second ct scan of the abdomen and they found a large mass behind the one of my ovaries. It could be nothing but some fluid or it could be a tumor.. Point is that the surgeon wants an ultrasound of that area by the ovary and another area near where the perforation was because there is still some air and fluid and some other debris from the perforation.OK so that isn't so bad except that I can not tolerate any pressure on my abdomen at all right now so I am not able to have the ultrasound yet. Until he knows what that mass is I am still not allowed to have anything to eat or drink until the mass is identified and he decides how to proceed with it. I am frustrated because I have so many things and people depending on me all the time and I feel like because I am here and not at home that I am in someway letting them down. I know that this is irrational but it is how I feel all the same.  Since it will still be a bit before I get out of here and get back to healing up . Just wish me luck and a speedy recovery!!