oh really? smack right upside my head

So why would I think anything in my life could be ok? I did I ever think that when people said things and made promises and vows together that I was not the only one making them? Because I am an IDIOT thats why!! Why can I not learn the lesson the first time and keep making horrible mistakes that destroy myself every time? I set myself up each time and then look around and wonder where did that come from?? You would think that I would have learned from the first time that no one means what they say anymore. I promised forever twice now and it hasnt happened. Life fuking blows and I dont want to start over again I have more luck at filing than I have ever had at reaching my goals and life would be som uch better for everyone else if I just disappeared, went away an dno one had to bother about me any more. My kid cant stand me most of the time and my husband seems to think that I am something he can just throw away or use to his benefit. Well I dont get along well with most other people and from what I have seen or heard from my "friends" lately they dont give  crap either. What is anchoring me here? Not a damn thing. I am of no real use to anyone. Maybe i should have become septic and died while in the hospital. It would have made life so much easier for every one. I hate feeeling like this and it is not how I want to keep going. I do not want to run away but I need  clean start. Unfortunately no matter where I go I can not escape myself. I cant run from the voices in my head telling me how aweful I am tht I have failed yet again not just myself but him and my daughter and my parents and everyone. I feel like a piece of garbage because I let some one in again and as always I get screwed and there is no reason just that it is. BULLSHIT!! I dont and wont believe that. I know actions speak louder than words but words hurt much more and how well the real past can be twisted and rearranged to fit their purposes. Maybe I should have stayed a little longer with the first one then I would not be here to feel this pain now. But then again the current pain can never outweight the past good!