once upon a day..

I am sitting here solemn and unamused. That is the best way to describe the way that I feel right now. My husband and I had an argument on Friday evening that I was bad enough for me to almost have me ready to throw in the towel. I had to have one of my school forms in by 8pm Friday night and it all got screwed up. We at 7:30pm pulled into Friendly's to get dinner. He says i never told him that I had to have the form in that night but I know I told him this when I talked to him at 3:30 that afternoon. Whatever so I throw out in super nasty mode now well if it It was for you you would have made sure that it got done and that made him snap throw his wedding band across the table at me and tell me that its hes not putting up with it anymore. HA the nerve of him! Well I didn't eat I had lost my appetite and I felt bad for his mom who he had picking him up and was with us. I was very upset at this point and when we let I dozed off in the back seat. I never knew that we stopped for gas and as we were leaving the gas station bam we got rear-ended by a kid who asked if we were alright then proceeded to tell us he was sorry he was messing with his radio!! So that takes like an hour with the cops and all. His mom would have just let it go but she has a brand new car with less than 12000 miles on it and I noticed that the back end was out of whack even if it didn't show damage. She takes it weds to get looked at as the back end has a lot of sway in it now that it didn't before. But that is not where I am going with this. I got him to put his wedding band back on Saturday morning told him if he wants to take it off after the weekend with my daughter so be it but he didn't he still has it on and yesterday was talking about working it out. I have spent all day today (Monday) looking for places to live and in this state (NJ) there is NOTHING affordable!! I am stressing out and he went to look at a place earlier and it is big enough for him and one of our dogs. It is just a room for rent but he has to be out of here on Weds and neither one of us have the money to go anywhere. His mom and step dad own their home and it really doesn't cost very much for him to be there with them. I mean really you own your home not like my parents who's landlady lives next door and jacks the rent up every time my daughter stays there for school or I end up needing to stay there too or for whatever reason she jacks it up for. This is the reason i have been bouncing back and forth between my parent, my in laws, and my friends moms house (even though she says she can stay alone she shouldn't be so I try to be there as much as possible) but it is no fun not knowing where I am going to be from day to day or night to night. i am stressing out majorly. Since my van died and we got rid of it there is one car between the two of us and i am trying to look for work. That is really hard to do when you don't have a car and are trying to relocate. I am just so tired of it and then school is like killing me trying to get in and get everything ready to start soon the paper i needed in on Friday just had to be resent so now it will take even longer but at least I got it sent out to them AGAIN. I tried to tell my husband in the beginning of September when he first mentioned moving back to NJ that we could not afford it and he didn't listen and now we are stuck fairly homeless and broke. I am trying to get my life in some semblance of order and not having much luck at it. I am almost at the point of saying why bother and going to be one of the people who take far too much advantage of our welfare system. I mean if they can do it why cant I? No I know that is not the answer but it sure sounds real good right now! i love my husband to death and do not want to loose him but I am not sure how much more I can take. Do I want to work things out? Of course I have not done anything wrong. Do I love him? With out a doubt! Can I keep bouncing all over the place? NO. and that is the plain end of it all right there. I like most normal people need some stability in my life and need to feel secure. He really needs the stability because of his bipolar and and that is the long and short of it all from my point of view. I am desperately seeking work and a living arrangement we can both live with but right now it seems to be so far out of my reach it has me so depressed and ready to give up I don't even want to try anymore. My husband would not even have the money for a place in the ghetto for about two weeks so he is looking at living in his car with one of our dogs for the next two weeks. i think this depresses me the most as i cant even help him. I tried so hard to tell everyone that we couldn't afford to live here and no one wanted to listen to me and now the people who fought me on it are the ones that are giving me hell about it!! I just don't know what to do any more....