What a day!!

So it has been a long day/week!! I may have failed my algebra class and that is not good!! I have had all A's and B's since i started back to school over a year ago and now to have the possibility of failing I am sooo upset. My instructor says he has re-evaluated my grade for the time period that I had special accommodations from being in the hospital but he can only get my grade up to a 59.1 I need a 60 to pass the class or I will have to come up with 3 grand for the class I failed and then take another class. On a good note I started my last 2 of five classes on Monday! I was doing so well that my academic advisor went to the dean of the psychology department and got approval for me to take a prerequisite as a co requisite! Now rather than my discussion weeks alternating they are the same. That makes all of my big assignments due in the same week. But even better than being in the last 5 classes is that I spoke to my bachelors program enrollment advisor and have been accepted into the Bachelors of Science Psychology program and will start that towards the end of July. I also got my graduation date of June 26th.I thought that date is weird because that is the day that I end my classes. I am not sure if the graduation ceremony in Arizona is that day or if it is a different day. I was so excited I failed to ask!
     today was along day because last night my daughter woke up super sick :( She has not been able to hold down or in much since last night. She is finally tolerating weak tea and chicken broth. She ate a spoonful of mashed potatoes earlier and instantly felt nauseated. We will have to wait and see I guess! I stayed home from my bowling league tonight with her and I really wish I would have been there. I have finaly managed to raise my average to a 101 and now I had to take a hit of loosing ten pins a game for going blind tonight. Oh well my daughter needed me more. I am just hoping that I do not get sick!
     We got my brother in law settled over in PA at a hotel for a month and I feel bad that I did not get over there to change the dressing on his arm today as it was needing to be done. I will get there tomorrow to do it but I do feel bad. He is lonely and bored over there right now but what else can we do. Hopefully they will get his case transferred soon so that he can come back to NJ ASAP!! Well off to finish watching my boys kick some Philly butt tonight and then they WILL do it again in three weeks!! Nice sac there Ratliff and against Vic all the better!! wooo hooo!

happy 4 years

So last night My hubby and I celebrated our anniversary in Atlantic City. We had so much fun! I love going there in the middle of the week because the rooms are cheap and there are fewer people there. We stayed at Harrahs in the new tower. We were on the 42nd floor and had a great view of the whole city! The room cost us $29 plus tax and fees but was still a great price! I had to laugh at Mike because he was being a big kid. He kept running from the door to the settee at the foot of the bed and then launching himself from it and flopping on the bed. The bed was soooo soft!! We ate and reflections and the burgers were great and then had this huge gourmet brownie with ice cream for dessert. even splitting it we could not finish it all. We played some slots and did not win but no surprise there. We went back to our room and watched some TV and enjoyed the lights of the city. All in all it was a great trip and he is talking about going back for my birthday next week but that is on a Friday and I don't want to pay the high prices for the weekend rooms. Anyway  it is 2am and I have to be up at 5:30 to get the kiddo off to school. Life is good and I love it!!

holidays already??

I love the holiday season! I really do! I love being with friends and family and the caring and sharing that goes on. I wish all the time could be holiday time! NO wait I do not wish that. As much as I love the holidays I do not want them all the time. The work it takes to get everything ready the time the aggravation the pain and sweating and the mix of emotions and attitudes? I wouldn't take it on a permanent basis for all the money in the world! I love the time together but the work well I could live with out that. My daughters birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year so double duty on that day. I don't really mind but I feel bad for her since it is her birthday. I feel like when she has thanksgiving on her birthday or her birthday on thanksgiving she gets cheated out of her special day. I almost wish she would have been born on time and and not taken early. It is what it is and we deal. I m really actually dreading the holidays this year. It is an end for me this year and I am not ready for that yet but that is a whole other story i don't want to get into. I just wonder how to get through with a smile on my face and have a god time knowing that my world maybe turned upside down shortly there after. I also have this horrible diet I have to follow that allows me to eat very little. No raw veggies or fruits no nuts or seeds no whole grain or while wheat, no corn at all and no broccoli or cauliflower unless it is pureed. No salads no nothing unless it is really soft. I cant even have crackers unless I soak them in something like coffee or tea or soup. I cant eat beans or peas (don't eat peas anyway) or fruit that has been cooked with the skin on it. Can not even have cheese unless it is melted in whatever I am eating. I am so tired f having to eat only the easy to digest low residue soft foods I want to scream!! I am loosing weight at a time when most are gaining it so I am happy about that except that the doctor does not want me to loose weight right now because that is a sign that I am as he said not getting enough variety of foods. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? I cant eat very many things so how am I to have a variety of them? Ugh so frustrating! Anyway what are you happy about this time of year?

ties Ties TIES!

     I love the holiday season! It gives parents like me  chance to dress our kids and wives like me a chance to polish our husbands up and take a few minutes to dress ourselves up and maybe get a photo or two or a million taken. I love having a daughter don't get me wrong but I really would love to have a son! I only say that because I love little boys clothes.I love how you can take a pair of pants a shirt a vest and a tie to make them look so spiffy. Little boys ties complete the whole look! I think that when you take a little boy and dress him up with shirt and tie that you all of  a sudden have  little man.
     I have seen school pictures and holiday pictures of little boys with and without ties. I always think that the little boys with ties make the pictures so much cuter. Little boys ties are just like icing on a cake it is good with out it but so much sweeter with it!
     Boys who wear ties when dressed up also give off a different impression. Think about the last function you were at. It could have been a wedding a christening even a funeral. Now think about the boys who were there. Can you picture the boys with out ties? What about the ones with ties on? I know that the ones who wore boys who wore ties stick out in my mind. I really like when boys have on a black shirt and a bright colorful tie. I can remember at my first wedding the boys in ties definitely made an impression. Boys ties just seem to pull the whole look together and are an accessory that should not be skipped.
     I love having a daughter but for girls it is pretty simple frills lacy dresses tights or bloomers and shoes. For boys when you add a tie to jeans and a button down shirt you can go from casual to "dressed" in a second. Boys ties just pull it all together and give you so much versatility that they can make dressing a little boy fun!

oh really? smack right upside my head

So why would I think anything in my life could be ok? I did I ever think that when people said things and made promises and vows together that I was not the only one making them? Because I am an IDIOT thats why!! Why can I not learn the lesson the first time and keep making horrible mistakes that destroy myself every time? I set myself up each time and then look around and wonder where did that come from?? You would think that I would have learned from the first time that no one means what they say anymore. I promised forever twice now and it hasnt happened. Life fuking blows and I dont want to start over again I have more luck at filing than I have ever had at reaching my goals and life would be som uch better for everyone else if I just disappeared, went away an dno one had to bother about me any more. My kid cant stand me most of the time and my husband seems to think that I am something he can just throw away or use to his benefit. Well I dont get along well with most other people and from what I have seen or heard from my "friends" lately they dont give  crap either. What is anchoring me here? Not a damn thing. I am of no real use to anyone. Maybe i should have become septic and died while in the hospital. It would have made life so much easier for every one. I hate feeeling like this and it is not how I want to keep going. I do not want to run away but I need  clean start. Unfortunately no matter where I go I can not escape myself. I cant run from the voices in my head telling me how aweful I am tht I have failed yet again not just myself but him and my daughter and my parents and everyone. I feel like a piece of garbage because I let some one in again and as always I get screwed and there is no reason just that it is. BULLSHIT!! I dont and wont believe that. I know actions speak louder than words but words hurt much more and how well the real past can be twisted and rearranged to fit their purposes. Maybe I should have stayed a little longer with the first one then I would not be here to feel this pain now. But then again the current pain can never outweight the past good!

Just an update on me!!

     Well I am still in the hospital and it is now Friday. I had the ultrasound done yesterday and it was unsuccessful. The tech tried everything to visualize the mass but it just said ha ha ha I am not going to let you see me and then it hid. Now all of a sudden my surgeon is not worried about finding out what the mass is. It went from You can not leave this hospital until we know what it is to we will just deal with it later. I do not know why this bothers me so much. I mean I want to go home right? I certainly do NOT want to stay here so why am I so worried about going home with out knowing? My infectious disease doctor came to see me later on last night. She wants me here until we know for sure what the mass is. My mom feels the same way. The infectious disease doctor (ID) asked me My opinion on the subject. I said well if I need to be here I need to be here. My fear is that if I go home too soon that there could be either rupture of the abscess or of the mass. This could be a very serious situation. I am a little scared to be honest. This is probably the most serious medical condition I have ever had. I have been doing some research while stuck here in the hospital and the things I have found out! Some have calmed me down and then the other side has really freaked me out! Back to the mass. I am worried because I have always has "problems" with my period. The only time in my life that it was regular was for the 3 months before I conceived my daughter. I went to multiple doctors to try to get it corrected. Two doctors told me I had PCOS  and then I had an ultrasound done and found that I do not have polycyctic ovaries. You  CAN NOT HAVE POLY CYSTIC OVARIAN SYNDROME WITH OUT HAVING POLY CYSTIC OVARIES!!  Common sense right? so the one doctor turned to me and said well it is the only thing that fits. Uhm no it isn't. I had been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist and she felt I had Cushing Disease or Cushings Syndrome. Well no one ever went and tried to find the tumors that would be secreting cortisol into my body so that went to hell. anyway I did have a point. Ah yes my point was that I have never had a normal reproductive history. The surgeon knows this and still says worry about it later grrr now to top it all off my normal pulse rate of apex 110 just dropped to 50???? OK I am not light headed, nauseous or anything like that. My BP was 121/60 that's great but uhm to have the pulse rate drop in half on the day i was supposed to be discharged?? WOW! Just one more this to stress about I guess. well this is where I stand right now NOWHERE CLOSER to an answer than I was a week ago!! frustrating yes nerve wracking yes worth getting this upset about probably not. I will have to have a the bowel resection done in a few months that is all I know but I am really tired all of a sudden and i am going to lie down for a bit.

Can I ever catch a break?!?!

I had very good intentions of keeping up with my blog. Just like all things lately in my life that fell apart too.No No No not like that. Things are still OK with Mike and my daughter is doing alright for now. She had a traumatic experience about 3 weeks ago and she is actually dealing much better than I had expected or could have even hoped she would! She is a great kid and a trooper as well. I firmly believe that child could do anything that she wanted to as long as she tries! Been taking care of Dave's arm and he is healing very nicely. I try to do range of motion with him daily and if he cant handle that then every other day. I do some resistance work with him and he doesn't even realize it. i guess that is good that he doesn't realize how hard he is working but he does see some of the benefits of his work. He can curl his arm some. Like if you hold your arm out in front of you and bring your hand towards your shoulder. I try to get him to work on touching each finger to his thumb but he gets very frustrated with his current lack of ability to accomplish this. I will have to make him work harder. And that right there leads me up to where I am now. In the hospital. Apparently I have diverticulitis. This is a disorder that causes little balloon like pockets in the lower bowel. These pockets can become inflamed and rupture causing a perforated bowel and spilling the contents of the lower intestines into the abdominal cavity. SO as nasty and gross as that sounds it is true. the bowel opened up and allowed fecal matter into my abdominal cavity. My body did exactly what it was supposed to and tried to fight the invading "crap". My body formed a wall and completely encapsulated the little invaders. Only problem there was that my body was not quite strong enough to  kill of the matter it encapsulated so it formed an abscess. a 6 centimeter abscess and massive amounts of pain to go along with it. I am not talking about little pain that seems huge it was huge all encompassing drop me to my knees tears running down my face type pain. So Mike made me come to the ER. I figured worse case scenario it was a sever bladder infection and they would give me some antibiotics and then be done. NOOOO not me I am actually OK though. I mean yes I have a lot and I do mean  a lot of pain and this condition can be very very serious I am  not that bad off. I could have become septic and been much worse off. The  surgeon is doing everything in his power to avoid sending me home with a colostomy bag. So they did a second ct scan of the abdomen and they found a large mass behind the one of my ovaries. It could be nothing but some fluid or it could be a tumor.. Point is that the surgeon wants an ultrasound of that area by the ovary and another area near where the perforation was because there is still some air and fluid and some other debris from the perforation.OK so that isn't so bad except that I can not tolerate any pressure on my abdomen at all right now so I am not able to have the ultrasound yet. Until he knows what that mass is I am still not allowed to have anything to eat or drink until the mass is identified and he decides how to proceed with it. I am frustrated because I have so many things and people depending on me all the time and I feel like because I am here and not at home that I am in someway letting them down. I know that this is irrational but it is how I feel all the same.  Since it will still be a bit before I get out of here and get back to healing up . Just wish me luck and a speedy recovery!!

Procrastinating

well it is Sunday morning no one else is awake yet so I should be working on my homework not sitting here typing a blog entry. Today my final exam for algebra is due and I am nervous about it. I do not do too well on my tests in that class. I know the information and get the concepts but making it work on the test still eludes me! My final paper for my Ethics in Human Service Management is due today as well and I am still only about halfway done! I should be farther through my paper by now but since i was sick as anything this past week and my dang bladder decided to give me problems on top of being sick I did not get much done. This stupid cold is still hanging on too the coughing kills my head and caused a migraine the other day. With Dave regaining more and more feeling in the form of pain everyday I don't have time to stop for a headache. He is not that hard to take care of but add in a 12 year old and two dogs and a husband and school and still wanting to find a job of some sort (thinking the job will have to wait a while humph) and all the doctors appointments for all three and meds and then I am thinking about the appointment Mike has tomorrow and even though it is not anything major it is still stressing me out...not to mention cooking cleaning and trying to do all the other things that a stay at home mom (by choice or not) does and I wonder how my mom ever got anything done at all!! she didn't just have herself husband and two kids either she also had my grandmother great grandfather(for a while) aunt and uncle  and the menagerie of animals that always seemed to be around when we were growing up in my grandmothers house. She also ran my girl scout troop when my aunt no longer did, took us to 7 days of dance classes back and forth to softball, birthday parties, friends houses, gymnastics for my sister (over an hour away) and still managed to work and go to school and earn a degree.  As read over my words it sounds as if she was responsible for ll those people and that was not the case. However when you live in the same home as other people there are always more things to do, more food to cook, more dishes to wash, requests and demands on your time. I know this is true because for our almost 8 year relationship Mike and I have never really had time alone. Seems like we have always had some one living with us (well except for a 3 month stint in Florida and about the same in PA and a short period in NJ) and even when the people are living out of your home but very close (next door, across a courtyard, a few blocks away) there are still demands made on your time and sense of obligation to your family. Some people have the ability to turn away from those who are in need and well some of us don't. Some of us try to help to a fault and the expense of ourselves. I have no idea where this tangent came from maybe it is one of those days where reflection and introspection comes easily and allows me to appreciate all the things I had taken for granted or maybe it is the idea of pulling my daughter out of school and placing her in a military school or boot camp school or seeing Dave in so much pain or listening to my husband apologize to him for the millionth time or maybe there is some self pity going on here  but whatever it is I have successfully procrastinated  for a bit and now I must go work on these two assignments so that I can get my A and B in these classes (only my second B since starting back to school and first one since my first class) so that I can start my new classes tomorrow.... Wish me luck!!

oh boy what a couple of weeks!!

Well so much for trying to keep up with my blog the past couple of weeks!! Shortly after my last post my husband and brother in law were involved in a motor vehicle accident. The new Jimmy we just got was totaled not by the accident but by the roof having to be cut off to extract my brother in law. He sustained serious injury to his right arm and it was touch and go there for  while as to whether the arm would be saved. Right now it is good but that does not mean he can't still loose the arm. I was told after 7 hours of surgery that he should have no sensations for 12-18 months and that we should not expect any voluntary controlled movements for 6-9 months. Well once he was moved to CCU and we were finally able to see him for the first time since the accident I notified his fingers twitching. Since the doctors had told me not to expect much of the arm I wrote it off as involuntary muscle movements. Later that day when we went back to see him I watched him move his fingers (middle ring and pinkie) I was like what did you just do he said what this and did it again...I was shocked and the staff (nurses and doctors) have encouraged him to move his fingers as much as possible. Just before his discharge on Sept 20 (13 days after the accident) his doctor asked him to try to move his wrist and he was not able to, however later that night here at home when I was rewrapping his ace bandages that had come loose he tried to move the wrist again and was successful! He has had random stabbing pain in his arm from finger tips to injury site. This we have been told is the nerves trying to reconnect and even though it is pain it is a positive occurrence. Right now the most important thing to us is that he heals as well as possible and that he can eventually lead as normal a life as possible. Last prognosis was a return of up to 30% of is usage. the doctor says he may still need a skin graft but that remains to be seen depending on how the skin heals.It remains to be seen if that will be the way it is or not. He has set a long term goal for himself to bowl again with that arm. The vascular surgeon has said it is a good goal however the reconstructive plastic surgeon has said it is a good goal but he does not see it happening. I have told him to not let anyone tell him his goals are unrealistic. Right now it is crazy to think about bowling anytime soon but one day move his wrist the next maybe more thumb movement after that who knows what some one who is determined to do something can do? there have been cases of people with broken necks and spinal cord injuries told they would never walk again being seen running a marathon. I know these are isolated cases however it goes to show the power of being positive. do you think that if these people were negative about their situations and recovery they would have ever had the strength to try to do the things they were told they could not or never would? As soon as I heard of the accident and knew that a major injury had occurred I sent out a prayer request. This single prayer request grew and grew. I am not the most religious person but I believe that prayer is powerful and that God will answer prayers that are selfless. People who do not know my brother in law sent prayers for his well being and recovery. I believe God has heard these prayers and is helping him to recover. I know that God has a plan. What that plan is may not be so clear right now but there will be something good to come of this accident and injury. all I ask is that everyone who is OK with it says a prayer that he will recover and that he stays positive about that recovery and the last part should be that his pain stays bearable. I know we all have a long road of recovery ahead of us. My husband has the guilt that he feels as he was driving and his brother was injured. My brother in law well you got that already and for me to stay strong and to push him when needed and to try hard not to be too mean about it. I know that I will have to be the one to make him do the things he does not want to, that I will at times be felt as his worst enemy/nightmare. I know that he will be mad and angry and I need to stay strong enough to deal with that and also to be there for my husband when the guilt gets to be too much. Thank you for reading and I will update when I have something more about them and this accident.
     I will also try to write more frequently. Update on my school before I go: I am still doing well. I have an A in my ethics in human services class and have dropped to a B in my algebra class over the last two weeks. I am less than a half a point from my A and hoping I can achieve that A! I am holding up for now and made it through the first dressing change of my brother in laws arm. I prepared for the worst and it was not as bad as I thought it would be!

ugh moving!

I have decided that if I never move again it will be too soon!! Last week we finally got into a place and man what a trip to get here. We moved from my in laws to an extended stay hotel in December and then out of that hotel to my moms for one night in August first. From there to a place in Morrisville PA for one night. the neighbors complained to the landlord about the dogs barking. Uhm they are dogs, dogs bark duh!! Then a friend and her mom offered us a place to stay until we found something else. It didn't work out there. So after a week and a half we went to a red roof in for four days until we could move into the place we found. So after five moves in less than three weeks we are officially residents of Carteret now. We are still looking for living room furniture and and a small table and chairs for our kitchen. we need to find some bedroom stuff for my daughter as well. The dogs are settling in and my parents and sister are relieved to not have the little squawk boxes anymore (my love birds). Macie wants to keep the snake there at my parents and my dad agrees since she looks "cool" and is quiet. a long with this move Mike and I have decided that we are fed up with cigarettes. I have been for a while cant stand the taste the smell or the expense. So we ordered the electronic cigarettes. I am doing better than he is but then again he smokes more than I did. We are still using the fluid with nicotine in it but it is a lot less than what we were getting smoking. So we are on a journey! Today was Mike's first day of not really smoking. We smoked one cigarette each at my moms house this morning and then my battery died on my electronic cigarette and my back up battery was in the truck and me being lazy did not want to go out and get it. I did not for that matter want to go buy cigarettes either lol. So tomorrow should be interesting with neither one of us using a tobacco product!! I found that after a while with out the e-cigarette I was getting crabby so I went out and got my battery......
Just had to add that I am sitting here watching extreme home makeover and crying my eyes out over the shear selflessness of this family in Arkansas!!

sooooo tired!!

Well yet again i have managed to neglect my blog!! I am sooo tired as always and should be asleep as we have hubby's birthday party tomorrow. I feel bad not many people are able to make it and that really stinks for him two broken down cars, vacations, and work are keeping people from being able to get there. Oh well such is life!! The people who are most important to him and are always there for him will be there and that is good.
My laptop is acting up again and that is really starting to get on my nerves. There the Internet here are my moms has been going in and out all night but then again there was a possible tornado touch down in North Jersey so bad weather has a way of affecting things like that. Ugh well now I have to be up at 7am and it is almost 2am and Macie and her friend Angel are still up watching the Grudge 2 and now I am getting a little freaked out. I hate to admit that but it is true. I love horror films and usually laugh at them no don't go up the stairs as the psycho chases you the door is right there just leave the house!! Like really?? but the grudge bothers me! I hate the sound and the cat and the freaky evil possessed spirit that kills people so not cool for whatever reason!! well anyway time to try and sleep have a great day!!

HOT HOT HOT!!!

Oh wow what is up with this heat???? Yesterday at about 1pm we looked at my moms back yard thermometer that sits in the shade and the needle was just a shade under 105! So what do we do? Squeeze the 3 of us into the cab of our truck that has no A/C and go do some running around! OK so not the smartest thing we have ever done! I wish they was a way to strap an A/C unit to my back and have it keep me cool no matter how hot it is outside! To top it all off I ended up with a double skin abscess on my throat :( This makes me not happy at all! Trying to keep it clean and covered with antibiotic ointment is hard when you get close to the door and the sweat starts pouring off of you!! This is a horribly painful situation. I can not even use band aids to cover it because the adhesive is ripping my skin off and when you sweat the bandages fall off anyway :( I just needed to vent! I want a pool at my disposal or at least a block of ice to "chill" on!!

Bid wheel keep on turning....

OK so just because I feel like I am falling apart at the seams does not mean that the world can stop. i really wish it would but here i am just barely keeping myself anchored. feel like I am holding on with all my might and all I have left are my fingertips on the edge of nothingness. Been a long few days as I said last time. I am just barely getting done the things I need to like right now i should be asleep as 4:30 is just about 2 hours away yet here I am sitting here typing out a blog humph!! I had a power point presentation due for my environmental science class tonight and I hate power point!! I just think that there are so many other ways to deliver a presentation and that power point is over played and well overstayed its welcome. I went to a sweet sixteen today and then to my parents to have fathers day dinner with my dad then off to see my kid rushed back here to get my homework done and now I just cant relax. Hubby and both doggy boys are asleep and all three are snoring. Sometimes I wish I could be like them an just lie my head down and be asleep almost instantly. No I am the one who lies awake for hours just trying to get into a position that I will not wake up too sore to move from. Grossest thing ever!! i woke myself up by drooling on my self last night!! Ugh how disgusting!! I am not talking one of those little spittle runs down your cheek I am talking about must have been dreaming about some good eats mouth watering drool gushing out of my mouth and down my cheek and into my hair before I could even sit up and a wet pillow kind of drooling. So gross! Nice now my dog has decided that my pillow should be his so now not only am I going to worry about drowning myself in my own drool I have to worry about choking on dog hair as well. anyone who has or knows about labs can attest to the fact that when they blow coat you will find dog hair everywhere!! this is the first time in his life he has really blown coat. I found dog hair in my clean laundry yesterday morning. there was dog hair in my dish drain, my carpet instead of a nice Green looks black and dingy and I just ran the vacuum yesterday!! His fur is everywhere. I tried to comb him out and it looked like I removed an entire animal from his coat!! when I got done Buddy looked about 15 lbs slimmer than he did before he got combed! He is a funny boy! Brought the boys home some rib bones from my parents. i know blah blah blah don't feed your dogs bones blah blah blah but hey if they were out in the wild and got into some ones trash they would get them an besides they have been eating them their whole lives. anyway they loved the rib bones and Buddy takes his and puts it in his crate. He then goes t his food and water and drinks all of his water. Cosmo goes over by the crate when he finished his bone and Buddy comes tearing across the room to the crate grabs the bone and turns around in the crate effectively turning his back on Cosmo and proceeds to eat his bone. Oh and he likes to catch lightning bugs! I told my husband if he takes the boys out at night and Buddy's poop glows don't worry it is just lightning bugs. He has not perfected the art of catching them does not mean eating them lol. The stupid bugs are EVERYWHERE. Came back in from walking the boys, figured i would change then work on my homework well took my shirt off and felt something just inside the edge of my bra, pull it out and its glowing grrrr freaking lightning bug in my bra!! the woods along side of us are glowing from the thousands if not millions that are in there at night! I do know one thing I would rather have lightning bugs than LOVE BUGS!! at least the lightning bugs are cool to watch and wont ruin the paint on your car!! OK pure randomness tonight! the sweet sixteen I went to today? It was is Merril Park. I have not been there since my 12 year old was about 5 or so. When I used to take her there to see the animals there was an old horse there named King ( thinking that was his name) well one time when my mother was with us she said it was the same horse that has been there since I was little. OK that's cool multigenerational animal entertainment. Is it still possible for that horse to be alive?? I mean it is the same one as when my daughter was younger but could it really be almost 30 years old and be the same one from my childhood? King is very old and half blind. He has a massive cataract in his right eye and his left eye is starting to look milky but isn't too bad yet. He is a sweety but can get a little nippy if you try to touch his face on the right side. I m assuming that this is because he can not see you and it may startle him a little. He seems to be OK with you touching that side as long as you are talking to him or making some noise to remind him you are there. So sad when he walked away from us today he stumbled and he seems to be having a hard time really picking his legs up and he kind of drags his hoofs when he walks reminds me of the lazy teens when they shuffle along. Anyway just getting my thoughts out but now my eyes are tired and I think I can finally rest for about 2 hours maybe even sleep if i don't drowned in a pool of my own drool!!!

sleepless in NJ

Well i am supposed to be trying to sleep but my mind is a blurr of activity right now. Again this morning my daughter was committed to the psych ward. As I have posted before she is a cutter. She has adjustment disorder and it causes depression and she gets suicidal. I wish she would open up to us before it gets to this point! I feel like I am failing my kid and have no idea how to help her anymore! We are at our wits end and so are her other caregivers. Even the hospital is upset with her 3 week turnaround! This is the 3rd hospitalization for suicidal ideation in 3 months!! We have all kinds of support for her and she just keeps turning her nose up at it. I know it doesn't help when the people who called themselves her friends turn out to be back stabbers and talk about her behind her back. do they not realize that if they are not happy with her that is not the way to take care of it?? well I have had about 2 hours of sleep since 4:30 Thursday morning and it is now for all essential purposes after 1 am Saturday morning. Need to sleep but thought that maybe if I could get some of this out that I might feel a little better and calm my mind some. Not too sure it worked but I guess if I do not lie down and try to sleep again I will not know for sure! thanks for reading and I am sure that more will follow!

ugh my head will explode shortly!!

Ugh so my husband had a cold that started on Friday and now he is over it and now I feel like crap!! My head is stuffy my throat is all gunky and my chest feels like I have 50 lbs of weights on it! I cant sleep because I cant breath and I cant breathe cause of the damn stuffiness and this heaviness in my chest. thankfully now almost 4 days into what took him only 2 days to get over I am starting to feel a little better but I am still freezing!! If I didn't know better I would think I had the flu!! My whole body hurts! Mostly my back from coughing :( anyway I hope this passes soon!! I am still not liking my classes but at least I am able to manage and keep B's for now! TY to AAA last night! (Thanks Mom and Tom for adding us) I was finaly able to help my parents out for once! Got Dad's jeep towed to PepBoys to get the 3rd radiator in in less than 6 months grrr hope this one does not explode on him! See it is true no good deed goes unpunished! They tried to be nice and come pick Macie up since I felt like crap and hubby still wasnt 100% and the dang radiator decided to blow coolant all over the place!! Dad and my hubby changed the hose dad thought had blown but nope! Dad poors coolant in and hubby watches it pour out of the radiator it self :( but at least they didnt have to pay for the tow!!

RE:May 24th here I go again...

Just wanted to follow up and say that I think I may have actually said all that I had needed to the other day. I am so tied up with school right now that I can not even think about what I had wanted to say wayyy back then!! Like a week ago is sooo long but for me right now yesterday was forever ago. I am taking two new courses again (courses only last 9 weeks) I have a racial ethics class and a environmental science class. I think that I am going to have problems in my ethics class. First of all I think I am the only white person in class and other than that the class is fairly well diversified. My problem comes in later this week when we start getting into reparations for families of former slaves....I am sorry but as far as I know the last person who was a slave is no longer alive and no one alive owned a slave. My family was share croppers and for those who do not know what that was it means my family was white slaves almost like an indentured servant but out in the fields and there was not a time limit on how long they would be serving for. My great great grandmother who was alive until I was seven delivered the babies for the slaves and handled a lot of their medical care as well. I remember a story my mom told me about when she was a manager for a large company and was filling in for some one on the production line. She was working next to a large black man ( I do not know where his ancestors or he was from so I use black as a general term here describing his skin tone not in anyway derogatory as I really did like this man) While she was working along side of him she was singing a song that randomly popped into her head, one that her grandmother had taught her. "jump down turn a round pick a bale of cotton jump down turn around pick a bale a day" and kept working and singing to herself. the man stopped working and turned to her and said that if anyone had stood next to him and sang that he would have been offended. My mother asked why she did not know that it was an old slave song. the very next time she spoke to mammaw ( her grandmother and my great grandmother) she asked her where she learned that song from and was told about her early years as the child of share croppers. She had learned that song and many others from picking cotton in the fields along side the slaves. So please please please tell me how my family should be forced to pay money to the families of people who they worked with? It seems to me like if some one feels they are being held back over their race and they sue the company for it and the company cuts every ones pay to pay for the law suite then I am paying for something that I had no part in. That is how i feel about reparations to the family of former slaves. if my family help to birth the babies and give general medical care and worked side by side with them then how can I be made to pay their families grrrr frustrating...I know that this is just a concept but it is what it is. I also look at how my ancestors were treated. I have a strong Indian background and Irish background. We were all taught in school about how the Indians were rounded up and moved into reservations well we were taught that they had a choice which is not how it was but OK so be it we are taught that Thanksgiving is a joyous time of celebration. It is not it marks the beginning of the end of the Indian. The accept the white man and then the "white man" takes them over, rounds them up and try to make them assimilate to their culture. Now there are no full blooded Indians left and by 2100 it is assumed that the Indian race will be so mixed as to not even be an option any more on the race selection forms. As for the Irish part of me I heard the stories from my great grand father about sins in store windows saying Irish need not apply. And how the Irish were deemed inferior to the people who were then living in this country. Yes we learned that in school but rarely if at all were we taught that the Irish were bought and sold as slaves as well. I had another though as i was writing this out: For country that was "founded" live liberty and the pursuit of happiness by people fleeing from religious persecution why is there a debate about changing out pledge of allegiance and removing in God we trust from our money? To satisfy a small group of people who may be offended by God?? Why is it OK for a Muslim to drop to their knees and pray Allah in school but we are shunned for folding our hands and offering a prayer to God? We can not offer a moment of silence for the death of a classmate or a teacher because it may infringe upon some one Else's right to not have to pray. I would never push my beliefs on some one else. But as long as i am an American I have a right to those beliefs. I have a right to hang Christmas lights on my home or in my windows, just as some one who is Jewish has a right to place giant menorah on their lawn. some one who celebrates Kwanzaa can have their representation As well. If you do not like it then don't look. If you are offended by freedom of religion and the rights to express it then no one is keeping you here in this country. YOU ARE FREE TO LEAVE!! You have the right to leave because people a long time ago fled here to give you that right. Just like if you do not support the soldiers the men and women out there fighting to keep this country safe. They fight so that you can sit here on your comfy chair or go out in public and hold your signs saying that war is wrong. If you lived in another country you would be shot for voicing your opinion. If you do not stand behind them then feel free to stand in front of them! I have seen that a lot recently on bumper stickers,t-shirts, and on line in various forums. I totally agree and If you do not like what I have to say then do not read it. if that is not good enough for you then go to a place where people are only allowed to have the same views as you. No one is keeping you from leaving this great country. If it is so bad here then leave! This idea also goes for all those who are felt they are owed something from the people here. If your family was a slave and you feel this country owes you something and you are not being treated fairly (not talking about if you are having your rights violated or really are not being treated fairly) feel free to go back to the places that your families come from. I know that I would not stop you!

are there any cars that wont break down every other day?

Where do you go for San Diego auto repair? Repairpal of course :) My cousin is out in San Diego working and his check engine light came on. He called my husband asking if he knew what might be causing it. Uhm hello we are on the coast on the other side of the country?!?! There was no way to know what might be causing the check engine light on his Ford F-150 to be coming on. I took the phone from my husband and told y cousin to go to repair. com and look up the area he was in. I walked him through it step by step including getting in touch with an auto shop from the site. He was quite impressed with the amount of information he could gather before he ever even got in his truck! The first auto shop he called had excellent reviews on repairpal but was too busy to get the truck in to check it out. The mechanic from that first phone call had him check a couple things on his truck to see if they could have been the cause of the check engine light. He had him check his gas cap several times to make sure it was on correctly and tightened down. The second mechanic he called from the user reviews was able to get the truck in and find the problem. My cousin went back to the repairpal site and looked up what the repairs should cost using the estimator and had his truck repaired and returned to him the same day. He did not miss a single day of work and since his truck is his lively hood he was happy to be back on the road!

ready to rip my hair out!!!

Ugh so I have been having one of those days that make you want to crawl back into bed and curl up with a good book and get a break from reality. No such luck! My daughter had a meeting with her behavioral assistant and then pitched a fit because she wanted to go to one mall to by jewelry for her piercing since she lost it all and then wants to go to another mall later to "hangout" we told her yesterday that she could not go to the mall to hang out right now. Yes we know she just spent three weeks in the hospital and that she needs to have some time back with her friends but wow every waking moment that she is not in school can not be spent with her friends. While she was in the hospital she asked us to implement a family night...we agree and now she doesn't like the night we chose because it interferes with her going to the mall?? Uhm I don't think so. Now I have dropped her at her tutor at 3:30 she is supposed to be at the library for 2 hours with the tutor well apparently the library closes at 5 tonight because of the holiday weekend. OK so I will pick her up at 5 instead of 5:30 and then she calls me and wants to go to her friends house to hang out before she goes to the movies. the movie doesn't start until 8:05 and she thinks shes going to go hang out for 3 hours I so don't think so and we have told her that she is not going to be doing that for a while. she can not seem to grasp that she is not going to go back to the same things she was doing before. If the things you have been doing got you into the situation that landed you in the hospital why would you come out and do them again?!?! I wont allow it. she has a lot of things she has to work on and until she is more mentally stable she will not be doing anything out of what we are comfortable with her doing and she has to learn that she is a 12 year old and does not make the rules she has to follow them!

cars are falling apart all over again!!

OK so here we go again with the cars..... Everyone should know by now that I am in school online. This means my class mates are from all over the country and world for that matter. One of the girls lives in Chicago. She is battling cancer and while she works she has a hard time covering her bills and saving money for the unplanned things that come up. She and I were talking this morning and she was very upset over her car a Toyota Corolla. she said she was driving home form work last night and it started to over heat. I have quite a bit of knowledge about cars and to me it sounded like her water pump is bad and needs to be replaced. Where did i tell her to look for a shop at? Repairpal. I told her that she can find repair shops and estimates on this site and that they are all over Chicago. Chicago auto repair is a huge market and there are so many shops. Repairpal gives user ratings and customer comments on the service that they have received. Well she found a shop called them and they were able to get her in today. She should have her car back later today and that is great because she will have it to go see her mom over the holiday weekend. Thanks again to repairpal for helping a friend or family member find the repairs they needed and giving them an idea of what it should cost!!

Oh what a day

I know I know I know two blog posts in one day!! Don't panic lol. I have had a hell of a month! my daughter has been in the hospital and then released to a partial hospitalization program for the last almost four weeks. She was in for a week at the end of April and they pushed her out too early and with in a week and a half she bounced right back in. She suffers an anxiety disorder in the form of an adjustment disorder. I had the whole idea of an adjustment disorder misconstrued. I did not know that an adjustment disorder is anxiety caused by any change. Any change could mean a new hair cut, a new pair of shoes, new clothes, even a change in friends. She has been using cutting to cope with this anxiety. By cutting I mean she cuts herself, her arms, legs, even her sides. One of the things that has been bothering her lately is a falling out with her best friend since second grade. My daughter and her friend have been inseparable. When my daughter went into the hospital this last time it was for the cutting and she had a suicide plan and had even went so far as to write a suicide note. In the note she wrote a section to her "best friend" she wanted her to know that even if she never read it that she will always look at her as her best friend even if the other girl hates her. I sat and cried to think how much these two girls have been through together and now they do not even talk anymore. The have been through the other girls first boyfriend who was so controlling that she almost lost all of her friends because he would not let her "hangout with them" my daughter included, yet she stayed by her friends side. The two girls have parallels between their biological fathers as well and could help each other with the things that they deal with as children of alcoholics. My daughters father passed away when she was six and she still has some issues about him that the other girls still deals with now. I hate to see that anytime the other girls name is mentioned even if not about her my daughter bursts into tears. I want to hold her and tell her it will be OK but since the other girl wants to hang around with known drug users and one guy is also known as a drug dealer I can not tell my daughter that everything will be alright because i do not know if it will be. I am saying that all of the falling out is the other girls fault because it isn't. My daughter has made some bad choices and has since righted and changed those choices but if the other girl still wants to hold a grudge them maybe it is not worth my daughter still trying to be friends with her. I can only imagine how she feels. I have had the same best friend since I was seven in second grade. We have been friends for 25 years now. I think I would rather die than to loose her as a friend! We have been through so much together, she has made some of the worst choices and I have as well. But no matter what we have done (never to each other) but in general we have stood by each other! that is what real friendship is all about..There is a saying that goes like this: When the world walks out a true friend walks in!
this is what friendship is : it is accepting, giving, caring, understanding, and forgiving.
I hope the girls work it out soon I am tired of seeing my daughter so sad with out her friend and I miss the other girl...I just never thought that she could be so mean to some one she called her friend and the unfortunately the person she told us she hated my daughter being friends with she is now seen with almost daily. How the tides have turned!!

Gotta send money??

I was just talking to a friend of mine. All of her family is in the Philippines. Her mom and dad are both ill and facing some hard times right now. then again who isn't. She was trying to figure out the fastest way to send them some money. She was thinking about sending them a money order or cashiers check but the mail in their area is so slow it could be almost two months before they receive it. I feel really bad for her and started looking for ways she could send the money faster. I came across AtlasExpress. they have been shipping packages and the like to the Philippines for a long time. For a few years now they have been doing money transfers to the Philippines. They seem to be a very reliable company and she had such an easy time sending her parents money. Her parents received the money in 48 hours as promised. I often wonder if I spend too much time trolling the web but then there are times that all that trolling pays off!!

here I go again!!

Things with my husband are getting better again.. we were at a wedding and he turned to me and said if we make it 5 years then We can redo our vows and neither one of us have to be confirmed to have it in a Catholic church. My husbands first marriage was not in a church and he has always wanted a church wedding..I know kinda strange for a man to worry about things like that but he does....I love my husband and this is a huge break through with him however when I asked him about it he was like well I did say if...so we are not where we should be yet but we are getting there!! Just wanted to share a quick blurb more later!!

Ugh and there goes the car....

My mom is from Texas and as today May 11th is her birthday I thought this fitting! She went the last week of April to visit her family and my grandparents made the pilgrimage home to Texas as well. She flew they drove. They arrived the same day in the Dallas area. They spent a few days there visiting and then decided to take a road trip of epic proportion! They set out to visit my uncle and new aunt and cousins in Houston and then on to San Antonio. While they were in Houston my uncles car an Acura TL started making a brake noise. I was talking to my mom while this was going on. She told me that they were really strapped for cash to make repairs. I told her about a site I had been on before it was : repair.com. On this site she could find all kinda of information about Houston Auto Repair.I told her that she could look up what the cost of the brake job should be and also what the oil change should cost. As soon as they got to house they went online and went to repairpal.com they were able to find the estimates and TONS of shops in the area. There were reviews of the shops from actual customers, all of the contact information for the shops was there and they were able to find a close shop that could do the work the same day. The shop that they chose did the work and actually came in a little under the estimate that my mom and uncle had gotten from the site. Over all they were quite impressed. I am so glad that I was able to help them out when they needed it!

Another day in the life of a bipolar supporter...

Well anyone who knows me or has been reading up will understand that My husband has Bipolar disorder. We have been together 7 years married for 3 and since September he has been in one hell of an episode. I am getting tired. He flip flops back and forth a few days ago he told me that he would have left already if he didn't really want to be here then two nights ago he called me while he was at work and when he was getting off the phone he was going to say i love you and what i got instead was I later, and now he says the only reason he hasn't left is the car is in my name and he is afraid I would call the cops over the car(well cause he is not n the right state of mind I might but only cause he is not safe to be taking off like that not because he was taking off hope you can see the difference)...I am tired I will support him till I crumble but my arms are starting to shake from carrying the weight and I am not sure how much more I can take. I wrote the following and was going to post it on his facebook page but decided not too. I am not looking for a fight but for a vent..Just a reminder as you read this we have to come up with $560 by the 8Th for our rent and he is stressing about it when he stresses about money his answer has been lately to say he wants to leave and I am sure at that moment that he wants to leave because it is easier to leave then to do what you are supposed to do. He threw up that my bills are paid... well hmmm rent storage car insurance(for a car that I really do not use that often) and cell phones and I am broke...I told him before we moved here that if he moved with me he had to pay half(other wise I would have found something cheaper) that means $580 a month for the recurring bill that I listed. i have to say that the last few months he has paid the cell phone bill for both of us and that last month he payed $280 towards rent.so that is like almost $400 still not half but then again he only works 24 hours a week at less than $8 an hour but gets tips.. can not depend on them but OK he gets what he gets....How dare you throw in my face that the credit card bills are not payed!! I did not want you to get them because you could not pay them! I did not ever benefit from them but I have made payments on them before.....I have so much shit in charge off status that it isn't even funny!! Our wedding rings were never even paid off!! I am the one who gets a job and keeps it OK it has been a little over a year since I had a job but I am not the only one! I have had no real income for the last 4 months...I did not see you have a problem spending my unemployment when it came in...You certainly got the phone you wanted and I didn't ....you certainly got a birthday present and I didn't and you had Christmas gifts and anniversary gifts and i didn't so what are you freaking about? I am not throwing these things back in his face because I give gifts out of the kindness of my heart but do not sit and say that you did not profit from what I brought in. I have not ever walked away from a good job. I have lost jobs through no fault of my own and maybe it takes me longer to find a job because I look for one i know I can stay at for a while. what ever so far off point now I was going to post this to his page but I decided here was better since the people I refer to are on his facebook... anyway I love my husband please do not doubt that but I am doing a lot and feel like I am getting the crap end of the stick...so here it is:

Why? Why the lies? All I have ever asked for was the truth! How do you say one things and then two days later it is the exact opposite? This is what happens when you skip doses of your meds or you just plain forget to take them! So for again for anyone who says that you are fine and did not needs to be on the meds....let them live a day in my shoes...Do not think that because of what you say in anger or fear or frustration that I will ever turn my back on you.....I am just tired not your fault true but when you act like I do nothing it bothers me...When was the last time you cooked? cleaned? voluntarily took the dogs out with out being asked? Do not get it twisted i am not complaining...but do not get on me about not having a job when you work 24 hours a week and sleep for almost 144..OK I am exaggerating but it is pretty close! You rushed out of the hospital for work and it still hasn't changed the behavior you are right back to where you were when you went in. I love you and you know it and well hell I heard you on the phone the other night yeah we go with "Later" that's what you said I am sooo sure! Maybe you need to deal with your guilt that is building up from what you had done in September. Then maybe you can begin to heal the rest of you. You are the only one who can make you better Michael..maybe you don't want to get any better..Maybe you like the pity people feel for you... I don't know I am not the one dealing with what is in your head..all I know is I AM the one dealing with what comes out of your head...I AM the one who has been dealing with it for over 7 years..I AM the one who keeps getting screwed by it....I AM the one here to pick up all of your pieces and hold onto them so that you loose as little as possible...Do you ever think that maybe I get tired of trying not to loose your pieces? Maybe i have lost some of my own pieces and I need to get them back...I am just venting because the other day you say that if you really wanted to leave you would have already..then today you say you really only haven't left because of the car...well damn which is it? oh I know you didn't take meds last night!! and as soon as you get scared and money gets tight you run just like always. Just like rather than paying rent you took off with the money...None of us are stupid.. You are not a thief but you sure acted like one so get yourself together own up to what you did and move past it! I am already over it! You need to deal with the things you have done. No one else can do that but you. As far as I am concerned the past is the past and from here we go forward where ever that may take us. I am doing for me now. I am in school I am trying to find work. I can not be on my feet for hours on end working at Burger King and I know that you know that. Working Waffle House almost killed me and then working at circle K topped it off...I really feel that if I had not been working like that that things may have ended differently then they did that maybe we would have a birthday to celebrate soon...Maybe I would be able to walk through walmart with out feeling like my heart is ripping out...we should have been celebrating a bunch of firsts over this last year and there is nothing to celebrate because I can not even get that right. something that women do everyday and I can not seem to get it right with you who I have wanted to get it right with for seven years...I am sorry that I am not able to and when I was I screwed it up....I am sorry that i am the one who wants to be there for you and who has always tried to be there for you. I did not see any of your "friends" come and see you in the hospital any of the times that you have been in there...i see me and mom and this time Boo. I only saw three actually wish you well and one came from the UK . I did see a forth but well after you were already out. And now as I have been up for 24 hours and you only made it up for 13 you are snoring and I am crying again. I am so glad that you can sleep after the things you said to me cause i am not sure I will get any sleep any time soon. Why is it that everyone around you can see what you refuse to admit? funny the first e-mail you sent said how much you do and then you go see some person and all of a sudden you lied for the last few years?!?!? and you feel the need to tell me this in an e-mail and copy it to her?? Yeah OK whatever you say....I swore i would stand by you and I am doing that. you need to make sure that you take your meds all the time every time and get regulated on them. You tell me you love me when you are not so busy convincing your self that you don't and your mom and macie have both heard you tell me that you love me...damn suck it up and admit what you feel finally...i will do as I said and wait for the meds to kick in and not rush you but I am getting tired baby can you understand that? If you do not want me then fine you get a divorce you can not stay married and not want me it does not work like that...you can not make plans years in advance and then tell me you do not want to be with me it does not work like that....you can not say we are going to go to times square next year for new years eve and then a few weeks later tell me you would have left already if you thought I wouldn't call the cops over the car...these things do not add up! You can not roll over wrap your arms round me and hold on for dear life not letting me move with out getting tighter or wake up to make sure I am still here and then tel me you do not care when you act like you are afraid of loosing me...it doesn't work that way....i see the way you look at me and so does everyone else that is not something you can fake....I know how it feels to be wrapped in your arms and you cant fake that either..I know what your kiss tells me and you can not fake it. Maybe one of them but all of them? never....so when you get your head wrapped right I will still be here tired and groggy and stressed but here ready willing and wanting nothing and no one but you my husband the man that i love and have loved from day one and will love till the end of time!


I know that there are things that I wanted to say that never make it to these pages..One of them is that I know that there are others out there going through this too. If you happen to come across my blog and read it then drop me a line and say hi! I am at a point where any and all support is greatly appreciated and looked for from other supporters of bipolar loved ones...It is a long hard road and I am glad that I am strong enough to weather it! Now i vented i can go lay down after the longest 24 hours in long time and maybe get a few hours of sleep!

another day another night

So I am sitting here bored out of my mind. It is the last night of my winter break from school and I can not wait to get back into it tomorrow. I have been academically and financially approved to continue to my next block of classes.I have maintained an A average in both classes and now I just need to keep it for the next two weeks.....It would be the first real A's I have ever earned and yes while I am going to school at home online I do still have to earn my grades and it is not always easy. I am learning that I have to have a lot more discipline then I ever thought I even had. I am totally responsible for me when it comes to my classes there is no one over my shoulder saying remember this is due next week or there are only two weeks left till your final projects are due. I have to do this all this on my own and it is great to know that I am doing it and doing it well!! I am still dealing with my husband's bipolar and as I am sitting here typing this he has fallen asleep again he has been asleep since before 10 this morning. it is nothing new for him to sleep for the better portion of the day. he wakes up to go to work and goes to sleep mist of the time as soon as he gets back. I woke him up for dinner early because he was going to take my daughter her stuff before work tonight but said we will just take it tomorrow. It sucks that they are still just treating his mania and doing nothing for the depression. But I will say for some one who is fine he is still soooo way off base!! On a good thing he has decided to make plans for next New Years Eve and has decided that we should go to times Square in NYC and watch the ball drop. So we shall see where it ends up!! Off to get somethings done and make sure he gets up again in time to shower for work since he didn't bother to shower last night or this morning but Mr I shower before and after work is fine right???? oh well talk to you all soon!!